Characters: Anya, Harmony
Set: Early BtVS S7
Summary: Anya and Harmony discuss unlife, men and thingies...
Anya spotted her across the busy bar. Typical dumped broad posture – bent over her drink, black cloud of hurt and disillusionment almost palpable over her head. At least, it was to a vengeance demon.
“Hi!” She sat down opposite her with a smile. Young, pretty, perfectly made up, sulky-looking, not very bright. Perfect. Then she took a closer look. “Oh, crap. Vampire.”
The blonde looked over at her, quickly sizing her up. “Well… demon.” She hurled the word back like a childish name-call.
“It wasn’t meant to be an insult, Harmony. It just looks like you are. A vampire. Your lot tend to give out your own vengeance. Not usually much call for my services.” She sighed. “Which is kind of a shame because I’m down on my quota.” She scanned the bar again. “Spotted any likely candidates?”
“You’re a Vengeance Demon? Whoa - you didn't mention that at school!” Harmony was wide-eyed with admiration. “It must be so cool.”
“Ah,” Anya shrugged dismissively. “It has its moments.” She continued to check over the clientele.
“It must be great to deal out all that pain and stuff on… men.” Harmony sighed heavily. “Talk about job satisfaction…”
“Mmm.” Anya nodded and finished her sweep of the bar. “Nope. Looks like Friday night is happy couples night. Sickening, isn’t it? Although one or two of them look like they could be calling on me very soon.” She smiled brightly at the blonde. “So. I’m very bored. Tell me the sad story of your unlife and cheer me up.”
“Oh, it won’t be anything you’ve never heard before…” Harmony sighed and swirled her drink around, making the ice tinkle.
“Almost certainly not, but it always helps to hear that someone is even unhappier than I am, and you clearly are.” She settled on the stool, placing her bag neatly on the table. “Begin now.”
Harmony began theatrically. “It’s the usual story. Girl gets turned, girl meets vampire, girl falls in love, vampire uses girl, vampire stakes girl, vampire uses girl again…”
“Hah,” Anya interrupted, nodding. “So far so familiar, although the vampire touch is novel.” She looked over at the bar. “I think I will probably need some alcohol to sharpen my attention. You may use your money to buy me something. You do have money? What are you drinking?”
Harmony gave her a look. “Well, duh? It’s a Bloody Mary, of course. Only without the vodka,” she added with a self conscious smile. “Alcohol goes straight to my head.”
“You’re a vampire! I thought you had to drink bottles of the stuff before it affected you.”
“Not me. Straight to my head.” She giggled. “Or between my legs, Spike used to say…”
Anya did a double take. “Spike? The Spike? William the Bloody Spike?”
“Yes!” Harmony clapped her hands in delight. “Do you know my Blondie Bear?”
Anya stared at her bemusedly. “Honey, if ever anyone needed vodka…” She reached into Harmony's purse. “I’ll get them in.”
By the end of the first drink, Anya was torn between feeling sorry for Harmony and wondering how anyone could be quite this dim. But the warmth of the bar, and the effect of the vodka plus the sense of superiority talking to Harmony brought kept her fixed to her chair as Harmony told her unlife story.
“I mean, it was bad enough when he dumped me for that freak Droodzilla.” Harmony prattled on, frowning. “Did you ever see that woman? Someone should have told her. She was completely shapeless and looked like she’d dressed in her Grandmother’s cast-offs. And the make-up? Please! The whole Goth thing is just so passé. And her skin!” Harmony raised her eyes skywards. “Just because you’re dead and technically unageing doesn’t mean you should give up on your skin care regimen.”
Anya took a sip of her drink and gave Harmony an encouraging smile. “And he dumped you for this Drusilla?”
“I gave him the best bunch of months of my life! And I can tell you, it wasn’t easy! The way she left him. I mean – issues, much? You have no idea.” She downed half of her drink in one swallow and shuddered. “Whoa!” She paused and peered suspiciously at the glass. “Where was I?”
“Drusilla. Spike. Issues.” Anya gave a quick resumé.
“Oh yeah. So she comes swanning back into his life and it’s all ‘OO, my black beauty’ and ‘Hey, big bad’s back’ and goodbye Harmony.” She pouted. “So unfair. But you know what lay at the bottom of it all? You know what turned my poor boo-boo into a… a… toothless… puppy dog?” Harmony downed the last of her drink in one gulp and slammed her glass down onto the table. “Buffy,” she growled.
Anya perked up. “I’ll get us another drink,” she said, helping herself to a few more dollars.
By the end of the second drink (and they’d been doubles – it was Happy Hour after all, and Anya believed in getting her money’s worth), both woman were deep in mutual Buffyhate.
“Never liked her, even when I was alive. At school she was always little Miss Prim and Proper. So much better than the rest of us. Not.” Harmony sneered and took another slug of her drink, clearly getting the taste for alcohol.
“Even right back at the beginning it was all 'slayer this' and 'slayer that'. He kept coming back with all these big promises, not that I believed him, you know. But… I was never going to take him back again and then… I would and he’d… You know he was even going to kill his precious Drusilla for her? Couldn’t understand it. I mean, hello? Slayer? Hardly a healthy relationship for a vampire. And would he listen to me? Oh, no. I was just the girl he… screwed.” Her face twisted bitterly. “Like he ever stood a chance with little Miss Butter-wouldn’t-melt.”
Anya watched her carefully. “How long have you been out of Sunnydale?”
“Oh, I dunno – year or so. Found this sweet town up north a ways – fantastic designer outlet, and shoe shops to die for… Why?” Harmony peered at her curiously.
In a rare moment of compassion, Anya decided this probably wasn’t the time to tell Harmony that her precious boo-boo had spent several weeks merrily boning the slayer. She shook her head. “No reason.”
“Should never have come back. This place is such a hole.” Harmony shrugged and went on. “And they all treat her like she’s some sort of god or something.”
“I know exactly what you mean.” Anya nodded. “The whole lot of them hovering around her like she’s some sort of… of queen bee. Just because she had some stupid powers dumped on her. The Chosen One. Huh! None of them so much as go to the bathroom without asking her if it’s OK.”
“Really?” Harmony looked at her open mouthed.
“No, not really. I was using exaggeration to make a point,” Anya explained patiently.
“Oh! Oh, right.”
“But they just rely on her so much! Xander…”
“He was so into Buffy at school,” Harmony interrupted, shaking her head.
“He was?” Anya frowned. “You know, I always wondered! It’s all Buffy this and Buffy that. 'When things get tough he just hides behind his Buffy'.” Harmony gave her a curious look and Anya smiled and shrugged. “And she never liked me. And she never wanted us to get married. Demon, you see? As far as she’s concerned we’re all beneath contempt. Only good for the slaying. ”
“You and Xander got married?”
“No, not quite. Got the dress and the ring and the wedding day… but we didn’t do the whole Mr and Mrs thing.” Anya blinked and looked away.
“He left you at the altar?” Harmony was wide-eyed. “Whoa. How embarrassing!” Anya gave a half-smile and a shrug. Harmony shook her head and tutted sympathetically. “Did you keep the ring?” she asked eventually.
“Hell, yes. It’s worth several hundred dollars.”
“Good for you.” Harmony raised her glass. “And I’ll bet Buffy was at the bottom of it.”
“Well, not exactly…” Anya admitted reluctantly.
Harmony frowned thoughtfully. “Couldn’t I wish for vengeance on Buffy?”
Anya considered this carefully. “Well…” She sighed and shook her head. “No. Technically the two of you need to have been in love. Or at least have had sex. I don’t suppose…?”
“No. Strictly boy-girl. Or boy-girl-boy.” Harmony shook her head. “And even if I was tempted to… you know… it would never be with Buffy.” She wrinkled her nose in distaste. “I couldn’t make out with someone with a wardrobe like hers. So last year.” She shuddered. “Actually, I’ve only ever… you know… done it… with Spike.” She thought for a moment. “Well, except for the other guys,” she added. “But they don’t count, because I only really ever… you know… enjoyed it... with Spike.”
“Well, I can understand that. He is very attractive in a lean and hungry way and very good at sexual intercourse,” Anya nodded.
“How… You made love with my Spikey?” Harmony was horrified.
“Oh, it was just rebound sex. Didn’t mean a thing,” Anya said briskly. “He’d been dumped, I’d been jilted, bottle of whisky, shoulder to cry on, yada yada…” She waved a hand dismissively. “It was just the once.”
Harmony peered at her suspiciously. “And you wouldn’t do it again?”
“Hell, no!” Anya blustered. Hell, yes…
“Oh, that’s OK then. Because if you did, I’d have to, you know…” Harmony raised her hands.
There was a moment’s silence. “Did he do that thing, you know, when he…” Harmony blushed and gestured.
“He was very skilful.” Anya’s eyes misted over at the memory. “Despite the obvious discomfort and the lack of extensive foreplay, it was all very agreeable. He has a very nice penis.” She considered. “Much nicer than Xander’s. Although Xander does try very hard.”
“Well, he’d have too,” Harmony giggled.
“Why are you laughing? Are you familiar with Xander’s penis?” Anya frowned at Harmony.
“Xander Harris? Yeww!!” Harmony gave a grimace of distaste. “Like he should have been so lucky.” She caught Anya’s look and back peddled furiously. “Not that he ever tried. And I have to say, that time he tried to beat up on me? He’s improved since school.” She fished desperately for a compliment. “Strong arms. And I’m sure his… thingy… is every bit as nice as Spike’s.”
“Oh, it isn’t,” Anya shrugged, slightly appeased. “But Xander has very fine arms which ripple very becomingly when he digs. I used to like to watch him dig. It always made me imagine having sex with him.” She looked off into space. “The sex was good. I miss the sex.”
“I know.” Harmony joined her in the distant staring. Both women sighed in unison. “So, there’s been no-one since Xander?” Harmony asked sympathetically.
“No. Well, except that time with Spike.”
“It’s hard.” Harmony said sadly, then giggled. “Hard! Hee! We’re back on Spike’s… thingy.”
“I think,” said Anya peering at their empty glasses, “we need more alcohol. Get 'em in girlfiend.”
After three drinks (trebles this time – Harmony was buying after all, so Anya saw no reason why not), Anya was giving advice to her new best friend.
“You wanna get yourself a job, honey. Forget him!” Anya waved expansively and hiccupped. “There’s a whole big world out there. Woman like you could go places! Get the hell out of this dead end town and hit the big city!”
“You know.” Harmony squinted to focus. “You know you’re right.” Her arms slid on the table top. She dropped her head onto her arms resignedly. “Screw him,” she muttered at the table top. “Wherever he is. With his… sexy smile and… and his eyes… and that cheekbone thing he has going on… and the voice… and the kissing…” She sniffed.
“And his nice penis. You forgot the penis.” Anya patted her head sympathetically.
“Especially his nice… thingy.” She began to sob loudly. “I want my Blondie Bear!”
“No!” Anya waved an unsteady admonishing finger. “No, no, no! Forget him. Men!” She glared at an innocent passing male. “Bastards! Career is what you need. Get a life… unlife. Whatever.” She shrugged. ”Get out there and show him you don’t give a damn!”
Harmony sat up straight. “I will.” She stood up shakily, clutching the threads of her dignity around her. “I’m going to LA.” She nodded emphatically. “I have friends there. I’ll get a job.” She swayed and pressed a hand to her stomach. “But first I need to throw up.”
Anya watched her thread her wobbly way to the Ladies and wondered if maybe she should do the good friend thing and go and hold back Harmony’s hair for her. “Crap,” she muttered to herself. She really hadn’t got the stomach for the hard stuff. It made her insides woozy and her brain all mushy, and was completely the reason she was sitting here suddenly getting the weepies over Xander, and all with the overwhelming urge to get up and go call him. She frowned. That’s all it was. The alcohol; nothing more. “Bite me, Harris,” she growled to no-one in particular. She helped herself to a ten dollar bill from Harmony’s purse and signalled for another drink.